so here i am at hongkong international airport, waiting my next flight to tokyo, reading my own blog.
oh my goddd, how i look so pathetic in my last two posts haha.
well, maybe it's true that i have high masocism and psychopat tendention level, directed by all of my favourite thiller movie, that every pain i get cure me better.
Greyduation
So, this is how does it feels.
Graduation.
Sometimes people use "greyduation" since my faculty makara is grey. Today, i know the real meaning of that term. I graduate and my day is grey.
The only person i wish to come is not appear. The only person i wish to support me perhaps will not say anything if i don't request a day before. The only person i wish to celebrate this happiness together is somewhere far.
They said my life is perfect. Join an exchange but still get the cumlaude.
Is it?
I even want to directly back home after i finish my thesis defense. I don't want to take any picture. I don't want to fake this smile, this laugh. I don't want push my self to disguise this dissapointment. I want to sleep, forget everything. Hoping he'll find me unconcious and worry about me. But of course i can't.
How can i direspect all of my friends effort to come, and selfishly mumbling on my stupid personal thing? Again i laugh with them. Answer every person that ask, "where is he?" in as polite as possible sentence to ensure them we're allright. But still finally i can't hold it anymore. I back home and sleep. Still hoping he just joke with me, that when i wake up i'll see him surprise me. No, he didn't.
I don't want to be selfish person. I can't ruin his relationship with another person, i don't want people hate him. I want he have fun. But i only have one big day. Can't he just prioritize me this time?
I know i didn't be there on his big day, but it's different case. If i were here, of course i'll try my best to support him. Today he is here, but he choose to go with another girl. Hey mister, am i really get no attention from you anymore? Why you really close your heart from me that hard?
Graduation.
Sometimes people use "greyduation" since my faculty makara is grey. Today, i know the real meaning of that term. I graduate and my day is grey.
The only person i wish to come is not appear. The only person i wish to support me perhaps will not say anything if i don't request a day before. The only person i wish to celebrate this happiness together is somewhere far.
They said my life is perfect. Join an exchange but still get the cumlaude.
Is it?
I even want to directly back home after i finish my thesis defense. I don't want to take any picture. I don't want to fake this smile, this laugh. I don't want push my self to disguise this dissapointment. I want to sleep, forget everything. Hoping he'll find me unconcious and worry about me. But of course i can't.
How can i direspect all of my friends effort to come, and selfishly mumbling on my stupid personal thing? Again i laugh with them. Answer every person that ask, "where is he?" in as polite as possible sentence to ensure them we're allright. But still finally i can't hold it anymore. I back home and sleep. Still hoping he just joke with me, that when i wake up i'll see him surprise me. No, he didn't.
I don't want to be selfish person. I can't ruin his relationship with another person, i don't want people hate him. I want he have fun. But i only have one big day. Can't he just prioritize me this time?
I know i didn't be there on his big day, but it's different case. If i were here, of course i'll try my best to support him. Today he is here, but he choose to go with another girl. Hey mister, am i really get no attention from you anymore? Why you really close your heart from me that hard?
So this is it
So, finally.
I’ll write about him, the one that never i mentioned before.
Because he is like my diary, that i don’t need anyone else to tell my world.
And i’m too busy blushing to write. Even so, now i regret why i never write
anything about him. Stupid.
Now, i can’t tell this to him. It’s too hard to bear
everything. I’m tired pretending i’m alright, while in fact, i’m not.
He is everything that i want. The first one in my mind when i wake up, the
last face i want to see before i sleep, and the dream that i hope last forever.
He is the center of my world and my thought. I just easily laugh beside him, or
even just remember him. His eyes, his lip, his smile, his laugh, his smell, his
voice, his thought, his talk, his jokes, his arm, i just keep remember every
detail about him. No place more comfort than his side. I just need him and i’ll
be happy. It’s crazy but if you know me you’ll believe i say the truth.
But then, my world tumbled down in front of me.
He find another else.
I’m not the one.
Has he ever loved me for real?
All of beautiful image of our relationship just cracked out.
For a moment, i don’t believe about love. How can he is?
Now i’m in the state that i’ve decided i won’t cry. What i
should cry about? It’s just a composite of all of my fears, anxieties,
insecurities, and hurt, but still won’t change everything. People say everyone
need someone to be blame for relieving their anger. But i can’t angry to him. I
can’t hate him. I understand he faced difficult times. I understand he needs
someone else at his lowest point. I understand that he deserve to get better
person than me. It just..... hurt.
There are times when i cry in the middle of night, when i
just choose to sleep all day, when i even do not have any apetite, when i just
get blank stare wherever and whenever, when i can’t focus on everything, when
the only thing that i want is back to Indonesia, and ask him.
But i miss him so much. I’m afraid it will be our really
last time. How if he choose her than me? They have so many things to fit each
other. She is extrovert, much funnier than me of course. She likes blue. I like
blue too, but now i like black more. She is law faculty, isn’t he adore law?.
She like to go to the same park with him. She may know music more than me. She
may more cute than me. She may smarter than me. HOW IF HE CHOOSE HER??? and again,
i burst into tears.
Even so, finally, i’ve decided. I might not look weak. If it’s
my last time with him, i don’t want he remember me on fucking ugly crying face.
If it will be our last time, i want to give as much as love i hope i can always
give to him. Yes, i love him that much.
But I can't take him and all of this insecurities out of my mind. I'm too afraid. I just not ready to hurt. I don’t want waste our last time bubbling beside him ask for “Please do not leave me”. Although the sentence that i will always wanna say is “Please stay with me”
But I can't take him and all of this insecurities out of my mind. I'm too afraid. I just not ready to hurt. I don’t want waste our last time bubbling beside him ask for “Please do not leave me”. Although the sentence that i will always wanna say is “Please stay with me”
"Stay with me, please?"
Selamat Ulang Tahun, Sekolah Rumpin
Selamat ulang tahun, Sekolah Kita!
Tanggal 13 April 2014 kemarin, SKR ultah kedua loh. Udah belajar jalan sekarang.
Adik-adiknya makin banyak, udah ada taman baca, kakak-kakaknya makin banyak, websitenya udah makin keren, sistemnya makin mapan, dan semoga...ke depannya SKR bisa lebih baik lagi, lebih, lebih, dan lebih. Semoga semua bahagia :))
Oya, konsep acara ulang tahun kedua ini super kerennnnn. Yang bikin kak Kitty, ga ngerti lagi dia kayaknya bukan manusia tapi dewi craft. Kalo kalian penasaran seberapa goddessnya dia, cek instagramnya aja @kitty_manu dan siap siap dibuat amaze sama segala bikinannya dia.
Ini nihhh, hasil konsepnya kak Kitty plus karya adik-adik kelas spesialis Prakarya
Rumpin!
“Kenapa harus
jauh-jauh ke Rumpin sih Lit?”
Hampir
pasti deh kalo udah tanya mingguku habis ke mana dan ngapain, pertanyaan
selanjutnya adalah ini. Yap, tiap dua minggu aku main-main sama adik-adik di
Rumpin. Rumpin, yang kalo mau kesana berangkat dari UI jam 7 pagi, ke tanah abang
dulu, ganti kereta ke cisauk, naik angkot, dan masih lanjut jalan kaki 1 km
untuk mencapai rumah bu Neneng. Setelah selesai, dengan rute yang sama, aku
bakal sampe kosan jam 4 sore. Jauh? Iya. Capek? Iya.
Terus,
kenapa harus Sekolah Rumpin? Alasan masuk awalku ga ada keren-kerennya. Cuma
mau main sama anak-anak, tapi ga mau deket karena biar sekalian jalan-jalan. Yah
tertarik sih sama nilai-nilai SKR tapi jujur awalnya ga sengerti itu. Jauh
banget dibandingin sama kakak-kakak pengajar lain yang super keren, pemerhati
pendidikan, dan segala keunikan mereka. Kayaknya kalo aku seleksi sekarang ga
bakal diterima haha.
Okelah,
aku gabakal cerita jauh soal SKR itu sekolah yang semacam apa sih, kalau
tertarik kalian bisa buka http://sekolahkitarumpin.com
dan mengulik isinya. Intinya, SKR beda dengan komunitas pendidikan lain.
Terutama, setelah semakin tahu juga sekolah lain seperti apa dan tentu saja
membandingkan dengan SKR. Sistem di SKR itu kuat, ga bisa main-main kalo udah
gabung di sini dan di jaga oleh orang yang kuat juga haha. Bahkan, meski
bersifat volunteer, sekolah ini mewajibkan para pengajar membuat rencana materi
ajar untuk satu tema dwibulanan serta mengisi laporan evaluasi setelah mengajar.
Kayak guru beneran kan? :”
Secara pribadi, hal yang paling disukai dari
SKR adalah tema dwibulanan sih. Tema-tema SKR itu lebih kayak pelajaran
kehidupan. Adik-adiknya di ajak mengenal sawah, kebun, pasar, agama, teknologi,
dan lainnya. Ga rumit-rumit tapi justru ngajak mereka berpikir kritis. Terus
adik-adiknya juga lovely. Kerasa banget waktu proyek KADO-Jambore Anak kemaren,
adik-adik Rumpin pada bersikap manis, super sayang deh sama mereka.
Yah, malah cerita panjang. Padahal
niatnya cuma mau share foto loh. Kebetulan pada suatu hari sodara dateng di
saat aku ada jadwal ngajar di Rumpin. Jadilah mereka ikut ke Rumpin haha. Dan
inilah hasil foto-fotonya!
Truk-truknya itu angkutin tanah loh buat bangun BSD |
Iniii danau rumpin! Tiap ke Rumpin pasti lewat deh, kadang ada mr.buffalo juga yang lagi mandi |
Bapak-Bapak truknya lagi istirahat |
Kalo kanannya danau, jalan kirinya bisa liat sawah |
Ati-ati, ada SUPER TRAP. Itu pupnya mr.buffalo mihihi |
Setelah jalan tanah tadi, udah mau sampe rumah bu Neneng, yey |
Terus mr.buffalonya lagi makan |
Ini Rumpin |
Waktu jalan pulang ketemu sama Kak Rara Sekar, vokalis Banda Neira aaaak. Kak Rara lagi bawa temen-temen Koperniknya maen ke Rumpin |
Oke, Ini Photo of The Day banget. Makasih pakdhe difotoin dari belakang *alay |
Sebab Setiap Tempat adalah Sekolah Kita
Sepulang dari Rumpin
Sepulang dari Rumpin
Kereta Cisauk-Tanah Abang
Perutku sakit. Sakit. Sakit. Sakit. Kakak lain sudah terlelap dalam tidur siang mereka, dan Tuhan, menjaga sakit perut dalam posisi duduk tanpa menunjukkan ekspresi apapun rasanya hampir gila. Bahkan menahan sakit saat mengajar tadi tidak sefrustating ini. Tidak ada pilihan lain, aku harus turun di Tanah Abang. Turun di stasiun sebelumnya akan membuat jam pulangku mundur dua jam.
Aku coba berkonsentrasi pada sekelilingku. Membaca peta kereta, membaca larangan makan, membaca iklan mie sedap, menghitung bangku kosong, menghitung jumlah gantungan, mengomentari baju setiap penumpang. God, it doesn't work at all.
"Stasiun Pondok Ranji"
Sepertinya aku mulai membuat gerakan aneh atas akibat sakit perutku. Untungnya gerbong wanita ini cukup lengang dan masing-masing sibuk dengan gadget mereka. Sama, aku juga terlihat memegang tab dengan muka cukup serius. You don't say.
Ini bukan yang paling gila sebenarnya. Paling sakit ketika di Garut. Singkatnya, Aku dan Agnes 'harus' mengikuti penelitian dekanat, sebut saja Participatory Rural Assesment (PRA). PRA mengharuskan kita tiap akhir minggu tinggal di sana, membaur dengan warga, mengobrol, atau apapun dan itu mengharuskan kita seramah mungkin. Masalahnya, aku sakit gigi! Tanpa obat dan harus tersenyum mengobrol dengan orang-orang. It feels like dead
Di rumah pun ada Bu Sujanti dan Pak Jossy yang menunggu cerita. Akhirmya berakhir bahagia sih, mukaku mungkin sudah bertekuk tidak karuan sampai akhirnya aku dibelikan puyer sakit gigi di warung dan diberi air rebusan sirih. Tapi tetap saja, itu setelah semalam aku tidak bisa tidur dan dengan gila makan sesisir pisang.
Oh, ada lagi sih yang sakit. Waktu mau ke rumah Billal buat ambil foto buat bikin scrapbook. Jatuh dari motor, lututku sobek. Gabisa bilang sama orang rumah, ketahuan nanti aku bukannya kelas tambahan malah main ke rumah orang. Jadilah aku pulang dengan biasa aja. Act like nothing happen.
Masalahnya aku harus shalat dan sobek di lutut ini rasanya bikin selangkah deket sama akhirat. Gimana enggak, sujud tumpuannya di lutut. Dua kali tiap rakaat, belum dari duduk ke berdirinya. Tiap abis shalat aku terkapar sambil nangis-nangis. Hikmahnya, mama pikir aku berdoa sangat serius buat masuk kuliah.
Akhirnya ketahuan sih, gara-gara ujian praktek seni tari. Pake legging, dan leggingnya nempel di luka. Udah ga tahan lagi ga berani di tarik juga, eh kebetulan kamar dibuka. Ya sudah, udah ga perlu ditutupin, boleh pake celana pendek lagi, shalatnya sambil duduk. Dan yey sembuh.
"Stasiun Tanah Abang"
God, Thanks, Finally.... tinggal Tanah Abang-UI
Kereta Cisauk-Tanah Abang
Perutku sakit. Sakit. Sakit. Sakit. Kakak lain sudah terlelap dalam tidur siang mereka, dan Tuhan, menjaga sakit perut dalam posisi duduk tanpa menunjukkan ekspresi apapun rasanya hampir gila. Bahkan menahan sakit saat mengajar tadi tidak sefrustating ini. Tidak ada pilihan lain, aku harus turun di Tanah Abang. Turun di stasiun sebelumnya akan membuat jam pulangku mundur dua jam.
Aku coba berkonsentrasi pada sekelilingku. Membaca peta kereta, membaca larangan makan, membaca iklan mie sedap, menghitung bangku kosong, menghitung jumlah gantungan, mengomentari baju setiap penumpang. God, it doesn't work at all.
"Stasiun Pondok Ranji"
Sepertinya aku mulai membuat gerakan aneh atas akibat sakit perutku. Untungnya gerbong wanita ini cukup lengang dan masing-masing sibuk dengan gadget mereka. Sama, aku juga terlihat memegang tab dengan muka cukup serius. You don't say.
Ini bukan yang paling gila sebenarnya. Paling sakit ketika di Garut. Singkatnya, Aku dan Agnes 'harus' mengikuti penelitian dekanat, sebut saja Participatory Rural Assesment (PRA). PRA mengharuskan kita tiap akhir minggu tinggal di sana, membaur dengan warga, mengobrol, atau apapun dan itu mengharuskan kita seramah mungkin. Masalahnya, aku sakit gigi! Tanpa obat dan harus tersenyum mengobrol dengan orang-orang. It feels like dead
Di rumah pun ada Bu Sujanti dan Pak Jossy yang menunggu cerita. Akhirmya berakhir bahagia sih, mukaku mungkin sudah bertekuk tidak karuan sampai akhirnya aku dibelikan puyer sakit gigi di warung dan diberi air rebusan sirih. Tapi tetap saja, itu setelah semalam aku tidak bisa tidur dan dengan gila makan sesisir pisang.
Oh, ada lagi sih yang sakit. Waktu mau ke rumah Billal buat ambil foto buat bikin scrapbook. Jatuh dari motor, lututku sobek. Gabisa bilang sama orang rumah, ketahuan nanti aku bukannya kelas tambahan malah main ke rumah orang. Jadilah aku pulang dengan biasa aja. Act like nothing happen.
Masalahnya aku harus shalat dan sobek di lutut ini rasanya bikin selangkah deket sama akhirat. Gimana enggak, sujud tumpuannya di lutut. Dua kali tiap rakaat, belum dari duduk ke berdirinya. Tiap abis shalat aku terkapar sambil nangis-nangis. Hikmahnya, mama pikir aku berdoa sangat serius buat masuk kuliah.
Akhirnya ketahuan sih, gara-gara ujian praktek seni tari. Pake legging, dan leggingnya nempel di luka. Udah ga tahan lagi ga berani di tarik juga, eh kebetulan kamar dibuka. Ya sudah, udah ga perlu ditutupin, boleh pake celana pendek lagi, shalatnya sambil duduk. Dan yey sembuh.
"Stasiun Tanah Abang"
God, Thanks, Finally.... tinggal Tanah Abang-UI
Tak Teraba (2)
Ada yang berkata sajak adalah doa
Meski yang dituju belum tentuIa mengalir dalam riak putaran waktu
dan kembali saat logika sudah tuli
memampatkan nafas yang terbuai
mencipta ironi yang berderu
seketika semua benderang
Terima kasih
Terima kasih telah menjadi yang Tak Teraba
Terima kasih pada rasa yang tak teraba
Tentang rindu yang selalu melambungkanku
Terima kasih pada kata yang tak terbata
Tentang rasa yang tak terungkap olehku olehmu
Meski telah sama-sama tahu maksud kita
Terima kasih pada sajak yang tak terbaca
Tentang kepingan kisah kronologi tentangmu
Meski sebenarnya kita tahu serpihan itu
Terima kasih pada suara yang parau
Yang tak mampu keluarkan sendu
Lantas kau dan aku membisu
Terselip akan rasa-rasa yang tak teraba dan terbata
Maka, usah kita panjang ini pilu
Karena aku sudah bertutur semua padamu
Dan memang seharusnya hanya kau dan aku yang tahu
Selasa, 7 September 2010 15.10
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