so here i am at hongkong international airport, waiting my next flight to tokyo, reading my own blog.

oh my goddd, how i look so pathetic in my last two posts haha.

well, maybe it's true that i have high masocism and psychopat tendention level, directed by all of my favourite thiller movie, that every pain i get cure me better.

Greyduation

So, this is how does it feels.
Graduation.

Sometimes people use "greyduation" since my faculty makara is grey. Today, i know the real meaning of that term. I graduate and my day is grey.

The only person i wish to come is not appear. The only person i wish to support me perhaps will not say anything if i don't request a day before. The only person i wish to celebrate this happiness together is somewhere far.

They said my life is perfect. Join an exchange but still get the cumlaude.
Is it?

I even want to directly back home after i finish my thesis defense. I don't want to take any picture. I don't want to fake this smile, this laugh. I don't want push my self to disguise this dissapointment. I want to sleep, forget everything. Hoping he'll find me unconcious and worry about me. But of course i can't.

How can i direspect all of my friends effort to come, and selfishly mumbling on my stupid personal thing? Again i laugh with them. Answer every person that ask, "where is he?" in as polite as possible sentence to ensure them we're allright. But still finally i can't hold it anymore. I back home and sleep. Still hoping he just joke with me, that when i wake up i'll see him surprise me. No, he didn't.

I don't want to be selfish person. I can't ruin his relationship with another person, i don't want people hate him. I want he have fun. But i only have one big day. Can't he just prioritize me this time?

I know i didn't be there on his big day, but it's different case. If i were here, of course i'll try my best to support him. Today he is here, but he choose to go with another girl. Hey mister, am i really get no attention from you anymore? Why you really close your heart from me that hard?

So this is it

So, finally.

I’ll write about him, the one that never i mentioned before. Because he is like my diary, that i don’t need anyone else to tell my world. And i’m too busy blushing to write. Even so, now i regret why i never write anything about him. Stupid.

Now, i can’t tell this to him. It’s too hard to bear everything. I’m tired pretending i’m alright, while in fact, i’m not. 

He is everything that i want.  The first one in my mind when i wake up, the last face i want to see before i sleep, and the dream that i hope last forever. He is the center of my world and my thought. I just easily laugh beside him, or even just remember him. His eyes, his lip, his smile, his laugh, his smell, his voice, his thought, his talk, his jokes, his arm, i just keep remember every detail about him. No place more comfort than his side. I just need him and i’ll be happy. It’s crazy but if you know me you’ll believe i say the truth.

But then, my world tumbled down in front of me.

He find another else.

I’m not the one.

Has he ever loved me for real?

All of beautiful image of our relationship just cracked out. For a moment, i don’t believe about love. How can he is?

Now i’m in the state that i’ve decided i won’t cry. What i should cry about? It’s just a composite of all of my fears, anxieties, insecurities, and hurt, but still won’t change everything. People say everyone need someone to be blame for relieving their anger. But i can’t angry to him. I can’t hate him. I understand he faced difficult times. I understand he needs someone else at his lowest point. I understand that he deserve to get better person than me. It just..... hurt.

There are times when i cry in the middle of night, when i just choose to sleep all day, when i even do not have any apetite, when i just get blank stare wherever and whenever, when i can’t focus on everything, when the only thing that i want is back to Indonesia, and ask him.

But i miss him so much. I’m afraid it will be our really last time. How if he choose her than me? They have so many things to fit each other. She is extrovert, much funnier than me of course. She likes blue. I like blue too, but now i like black more. She is law faculty, isn’t he adore law?. She like to go to the same park with him. She may know music more than me. She may more cute than me. She may smarter than me. HOW IF HE CHOOSE HER??? and again, i burst into tears.

Even so, finally, i’ve decided. I might not look weak. If it’s my last time with him, i don’t want he remember me on fucking ugly crying face. If it will be our last time, i want to give as much as love i hope i can always give to him.  Yes, i love him that much.

But I can't take him and all of this insecurities out of my mind. I'm too afraid. I just not ready to hurt. I don’t want waste our last time bubbling beside him ask for “Please do not leave me”. Although the sentence that i will always wanna say is “Please stay with me”

"Stay with me, please?"